truelyesoteric (truelyesoteric) wrote,

If This Aint Crack I Dont Know What Is

Title: This Is the Start of a Beautiful Friendship or How Jensen and Jared Realized That They Would Be The Best Of Friends (And Also Very Very Very Manly Men)
Author: truelyesoteric
Rating: CRACK (PG for the purists out there)
Warnings: RPS CRACK; Not Quite Slash
Parings: People See What They Want To See. If you want to see pre-slash it is Jensen/Jared. If you don't want to then its gen.
Spoilers: Up Until Bugs
Disclaimer: This is the actual real re-telling of the reason that Bugs is their least favorite episodes ever. And that was a lie.
Word Count: 2,000
Summary: mashimero and I were bantering wittily and she made me this. A picture like that is worth 2,000 words. So I wrote them.

Jensen was used to coming to work and being someone else, he was used to faking his way through outrageous situations.

The key words here: someone else and faking.

He was not used to being turned into a tiny plastic horse that barely cleared four inches off the ground.

Jensen had never realized how much he liked being six feet tall until he suddenly found himself barely four inches tall.

And plastic.

Jensen was unable to do anything except for stand there, amid Dean clothing and accessories, limited to blinking until this whole thing went away.

Jared however was not so in love with being tall, or you know human, as it would seem.

Because as Jensen was shell shocked, standing about four inches above the ground, Jared was standing there prancing.

Jared then started to try to look at his own tail. Because Jared now apparently had a tail.

Jared had a rainbow tail.

And a pink ribbon.

Which was connected to his pink candy covered plastic ass.

Jared, well the pink plastic little horse with rainbow hair that Jensen assumed was Jared, looked at himself and picked up a leg and slowly put it down. Then he picked up the other leg. Then he kicked up both of his back legs.

When all four legs were on the ground again he paused.

He looked up at Jensen, his hazel eyes still very Jared, and grinned like a loon.

And then Jared tilted his head. His pink plastic horse head.

Then Jared was off. He was running over the clothes that they had been previously up until a minute ago wearing. Jared was running around the room like a four year old drove a toy car. He just ran over everything, stumbling and getting up to go running over everything once again.

Jared was even making his own theme music as he ran.

Jensen still had not moved. Jared ran free.

“Hey, can fit under the couch?” Jared pondered running full tilt into the couch. Jared put his horse head down and tried to fit his completely un-pliable body under the couch.

After two seconds of trying to burrow his head under the couch Jared resigned, stood back up and ran at full tiny horse speed to Jensen. Jensen couldn’t move as sparkly pink creature came towards him, rainbow hair flowing behind him.

Jared had a dust bunny on his ear.

“I can’t fit under your couch,” Jared informed Jensen with great regret.

Jensen blinked what he knew were ridiculously big eyes.

“Oh,” Jared said as an afterthought, “And I think we’ve turned into My Little Ponies.”

Then Jared shook off that little bit of news as if it wasn’t even important, and then he proceeded to take great interest into looking at Jensen’s peach posterior.

“You have stars on your ass,” Jared said. Then he was still again, “I wonder what that means.”

“Stop looking at my ass,” Jensen finally said, backing away quickly from Jared.

“What do I have on my ass?” Jared asked trying to look at his own haunches and just proceeding to go around in circles. Then he stopped and trying to look that way and proceeded to circle the other way.

Then he stopped and backed his rear in to Jensen’s snout.

“What do I have on my butt?” Jared asked.

Jensen backed away, “Jared don’t you think that there is a something a little more important.”

Jared’s little pink ears twisted in thought.

Then he went to turn again to see if he could see what was on his butt, finally he realized that there was a drinking glass sitting on the floor that was fairly reflective.

“You’re a slob,” Jared announced, immediately taken by the reflection in the glass.

“Ohh,” Jared said, catching a glimpse, “I have candy.”

Then Jared started to chase his own tail with his tongue out, “I wonder if it tastes like candy.”

“JARED!” Jensen yelled and Jared slowly stopped circling.

Jared stilled.

“Do you think that we should think about the fact that we’re plastic ponies,” Jensen asked, still not having moved from the place he had first found himself in. It was almost as if he didn’t move then he would have some sort of plausible deniability about the fact that he had ever existed as a My Little Pony.

Jared let out a sigh, as if Jensen really didn’t know how to enjoy what was obviously a good thing.

“I’ll talk about it if you see if the candy tastes like candy,” Jared bargained.

“The candy on your ass?” Jensen asked incredulously.

Jared nodded, his rainbow hair flowing.

“You,” Jensen said, trying to think about the absurdity of the situation. “Want. Me. To. Lick. Your. Ass.

Jared let out a whinny, which momentarily mesmerized him, who knew that even toy horses could whiny.

Then he turned his attention back to Jensen.

“We will sit down and talk about this whole situation,” Jared said his head held high. “If you lick my ass.”

Jensen glared at him. He had known this guy for a matter of months. They were friendly, but not yet friends.

If you had told him at that moment that Jared would one day become his best friend the disbelief would have killed him where the shock of turning into a My Little Pony did not.

Jared stared at him with those heavily lashed eyes and waited.

Jensen leaned forward and tentatively reached out a tongue, praying that Jared would crack up at some point and start laughing and pull some kind of ‘ha-ha you’re a sucker.’

Jared did not. Jared simply waited and Jensen’s tongue reached out and tasted the candy.

Later, much later when this was but a memory, Jensen would un-repress the knowledge that Jared’s little pink pony’s ass tasted like sweet and tart. Jared’s bottom tasted something like a Sour Patch Kid.

And wasn’t it a bitch that he knew that.

“You taste like candy,” Jensen said through gritted teeth. “Can we talk about this now?”

Jared seemed to be considering this.

Then he looked at Jensen.

“I think that this is the best thing that has ever happened to me,” Jared said dreamily.

Jensen had ENOUGH.

He lunged at Jared and the two began to scuffle.

They were rolling around fighting in a way that only two little very stiff My Little Ponies could.

It was not pretty, graceful, or manly.

They were rumbling around, well Jared was laughing and Jensen was attempting to kill Jared. Which is what could be considered some form of rumbling.

“Oh fuck,” the heard and they stopped and looked up.

Kim was standing there looking down at them.

“Kim,” Jensen said, untangling himself from Jared. “It’s Jensen and Jared.”

Kim leaned down on the floor.

“Who else would it be?” Kim said with a sigh. “Fucking Jimmy.”

Jensen and Jared looked at each other, exchanging a glance.

“Jimmy, the guy playing Joe White Tree,” Kim explained sighing picking up the My Little Ponies and placing them at a much more level eyesight on the counter. “He was on X-Files, he likes to fuck with me, he likes to turn my actors into their spirit animals.”

Kim looked at them with a sigh. “During the first season of X-Files I spent like two hours thinking that Mulder and Scully would have to be rewritten as a Hound and a Fox.

“Who was which?” Jared had to ask.

“David was the hound and Gillian was the fox,” Kim said absentmindedly rubbing his chin, staring off into space before he began to rummage in the drawers.

"Lucky," Jensen said, getting very depressed.

Kim got out two sugar cubes and put it down in front of them.

“He’s got this crazy notion that it helps the actors to fucking bond,” Kim growled. “You boys stay here, I’m going to go call that good for nothing bastard to change you back.”

Kim thrashed around trying to find his cell phone and his pockets weren’t cooperating.

Jared looked at Kim’s back as the little man yelled into the phone, then at the sugar cube, and then at Jensen who was looking completely dejected.

Jensen looked at if he was going to cry.

Jared didn’t know quite what to do with this situation. They had become fairly close, but this kind of situation was kind of hard to judge what to do. He was still getting to know Jensen and he didn’t really want to annoy his new co-star and potential friend.

He looked over at Jensen and nudged the cube closer to Jensen with his nose.

“Sugar?” he asked.

Jensen sighed.

“Look,” Jensen said tiredly. “I know that you mean well, but I’m not really doing well. My spirit animal is a My Little Pony and I licked your ass. I finally get my own show and I’m just a frikken girl’s toy inside. So today isn’t going so great. Can you just not. This is the exact opposite of excellent. I get that you’re thrilled that you’re a little candy pony full of rainbows and sparkles, but I kind of thought I was more than just a little pony.”

Jared thought for a moment and came to sit next to Jensen.

“You’re wrong,” Jared informed him absolutely.

“Tell my why the highlight of today was licking your ass,” Jensen said glumly.

Jared raised an eyebrow. "That is the dream highlight of some people's lives."

“I’m not even a pretty My Little Pony, I’m ordinary,” Jensen sighed, too caught up in his own stuff to pay attention.

Jared looked up at him, eyes sparkling, “Nope, still wrong.”

“Seriously what is your deal?” Jensen sighed. “Tell me the upside of this?”

Jared grinned a huge My Little Pony smile, “You’ve got stars on your ass. You’re the star.”

“That would explain your first billing,” Jensen said glumly.

“You really need a better agent dude,” Jared agreed.

“Not helping my day,” Jensen told him.

Jared stretched and thought for a moment that he actually didn’t know that My Little Ponies could look depressed, Jensen was the most un-My Little Pony anywhere.

Jared could not have this.

“Jensen,” Jared said with no room for arguments. “Maybe you should try having fun with life instead of this whole stoic thing you’ve got going for you, I know that this is a job, but please.”

Jensen glared at him, “What is fun about this?”

Jared fixed him with a look.

Then he ran full speed ahead and ran off the edge of the counter.


Jensen cautiously ran to the edge and saw Jared lying on the floor on his back.

“Jen,” he whispered hoarsely, wiggling his legs.

Jensen just looked. Then he saw the legs start to shake and for a moment the heart, that he only metaphorically had, stopped.

Then Jared Fucking Padalecki let out a noise and after it filtered through the sudden anguish of the moment, Jensen realized that he was laughing.

“Try it Smeckles,” Jared giggled, “It’s a rush.”

“I’m killing you,” Jensen yelled.

“Come down here and say that you wuss,” Jared yelled out.

Jensen was too angry to think straight. He jumped off and later would be always amused that My Little Ponies bounced.

Jensen and Jared began to race round the room, under things, playing tug of war with Dean’s plaid shirt that Jensen hated.

Jensen was laughing and pulling Jared’s rainbow hair when Kim hung up the phone.

“Your spirit animals really should be My Little Ponies,” Kim observed.

Jensen stopped and glared that weird little evil My Little Pony look, “Little Man I’m not going to be like this forever. I will end you.”

“What he said,” Jared said standing sparkly menacingly behind Jensen.

Jared rolled his eyes, but it was nice to know that Jared had his back. It was going to mean more when Jared was six feet again, but Jared had his back.

Kim held back his laugh and picked up the little toys.

“Lets have a pact,” Jared whispered as Kim’s hands brought them up to his hoodie pocket. “This is going to be the worst thing that ever happens on the face of the show. No matter what happens it can’t be worse than this.”

“That isn’t really a pact,” Jensen pointed out.

“Okay I’m just going to blackmail you,” Jared said firmly. “You will be my friend, a really good one or I’ll tell everyone that you licked my ass during the filming of Bugs.”

Kim wisely put them in separate pockets. Little Jensen pony seemed to be a biter.

Jared burrowed in the pocket as Kim left Jensen’s trailer.

Jared finally poked his head out of the pocket. “Hey Jensen.”

Jensen peeked his little orange head out of the other pocket. “Yeah Jared.”

“Oh my god,” Kim muttered. “It’s a bad ‘Laugh-In parody.”

“Okay old dude,” Jared said looking up at him.

“A much more culturally relevant reference go our generation is ‘You Can’t Do That On Television’,” Jensen informed them.

“What the fuck is that?” Kim asked.

“I was talking to Jensen,” Jared informed him.

“Talk away little plastic horse,” Kim muttered angrily.

“So Jensen,” Jared continued as if Kim had never interrupted.

“Yeah Jared,” Jensen sighed.

“You know we have to be best friends now,” Jared informed him. “We’ve been through the trenches together.”

“We’ve been through Kim’s pockets together,” Jensen pointed out.

“Even more traumatizing and bonding-terrific,” Jared agreed. “We have to spend the rest of our days having fun to suppress this. This is a sign that you are taking life too seriously.”

Jensen sighed deeply, “We are going to do lots of fun things and also we are going to do manly things until we out live this.”

Kim made a tisking noise. “I’ve got something manly if you want.”

Hours later Jensen was back to fleshy legs and arms, standing in a room with millions of bees. Jared was at his shoulder and Kim was sitting there being the puppet master behind a monitor, wearing shorts. They were all running on bravado and adrenaline from earlier that day.

Honestly being in a room full of bees was nothing compared to the Never-To-Be-Spoken-Of-My-Little-Pony-Incident.

Jensen and Jared were having fun.

Then the bee bit Jensen’s ass.

Jared laughed for awhile. “This manly enough for you.”

“Shut it sweettart ass,” Jensen said rubbing his sore behind.

Kim looked at them. “I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”
Tags: fic, gen, jared/jensen, rps

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